Look, I’m feeling a bit alone this morning. Just me and my innards, bloated with dread, tangled up and flipped queasy in this morning’s horror; this latest example of our* astonishing capacity for selfishness and depravity. I didn’t want to read this but I did and oops now you will too and I won’t feel so alone under this cloud of impending doom. Here he is, before you can look away:


Christopher Adrian Miller, of White Settlement, Texas, admitted to his wife and his church that he sexually assaulted his infant daughter multiple times. And sometimes took pictures. Apparently, it all started when he became aroused while watching porn WITH HIS BABY, so naturally, he stuck his cock in her mouth in the hopes that her being breast-fed would translate into blow-jobs for him. It is unclear how that turned out, but a press release from the Tarrant County DA’s office reports that Miller also admitted to titty-fucking his three-month old daughter’s butt-crack. That’s my terminology, not the Tarrant County DA’s.

What I find most interesting is what apparently prompted Miller to confess all: a seemingly innocent question from his wife. Upon noticing it wasn’t properly fastened, his wife asked why their daughter’s diaper was “kind of messed up.” I can’t imagine this was the explanation she was expecting.

It took a jury roughly thirty minutes to find Miller guilty and less than forty-five minutes to sentence him to life without parole.

Oddly, this was the second time in three weeks that a man from Tarrant County was found guilty of aggravated sexual assault against an infant. In September, David Scott Rucker, 32, was sentenced to 25 years without parole for sexually assaulting a ten-month-old girl.

*I mean “our” as in “human” – not as in pedophiles or sex-offenders. I am also familiar with our astonishing capacity for stupidity, so I thought it best to clarify.

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